School has started. Well, at least for the staff and it is just about to kick into high gear when the children are back and we are preparing to start work again. Another year of challengers ahead. Phew.

It was a weekend of reunions.

Saturday
Met up with 3 of the friends i'be known for the longest time. It all started with a cryptic sms from an unfamiliar telephone number which said "Hi, this is your long lost friend. Call me to find out who i am.". When i received that sms, the first thing that came into my mind was these two girls whom i have known since primary school and have since lost contact with (i've kept more or less in contact with the third). Anyway, apart from being primary schoolmates, we were also neighbours in the same condo estate and i still have fond memories of us 4 girls going swimming, having picnics and playing batminton together. Now, each of us have different careers (one working in HP, one working in SIM, one doctor training to be an eye specialist and of course, me) and two are getting married in 2004. It was great to finally catch up with them again and we had a nice long girly lunch at camden medical centre (no prizes for guessing who made the recommendation *grins*).

Thank you for trying to so hard to find me again. It was nice to be found, my "long lost friend". :)

Sunday
It must have been in the stars that this past weekend would be one filled with reunion. I was just walking around in Bugis with him when suddenly, out of nowhere, a girl tapped me on my shoulder as i walked passed her and called out my name. For the life of me, i couldn't quite remember her name though i knew we were in the same JC together (strangely though, i can remember my primary schoolmates names). Well, she certainly recognized me and him (we came from the same fac and the same JC) and there and then, she told us about my JC class reunion that was happening on the very evening itself! I remembered the last time i saw any of my JC classmates were before i went overseas for my Masters which was more than 5 years ago! It was another wonderful reunion with old friends and to finally what happened to each and everyone after our A levels. Several had become teachers, one is a lawyer, one in advertising, one works in Kino and one has become a mother of two daughters. Gossips were exchanged and time was spent talking about our school days. Time flies and it's nice to see everyone happy and doing well.

Now that i have re-establish contacts with these old friends, i hope to maintain it more diligently this time.

A rainy xmas day.
Use a little more imagination, and you may think that it is snowing.
I wish i can tuck myself in with a cup of hot tea and a good book.
Instead, i have to get ready to attend a xmas party.

Xmas eve.
Was supposed to be at a party with friends at... embargo?
I can't really remember.
In the end, i didn't go.
And Xmas eve was just another night,
except for the silly tv specials
with leftover lunch for dinner.
Yet, it was a pretty good night.

You are a pegasus.
You have a sweet, loving personality, and it's hard
not to love you. Just don't let people walk
all over you too much.
Pesasus are known for their free spirits.


Mythical Creatures
brought to you by Quizilla

Received my first two xmas presents on the 23rd. One of them was a bracelet from my colleague and the other was a pair of ear rings from snow. Thank you both! And so ashamed for not giving out any xmas presents, primarily because i don't celebrate xmas. Yikes. Maybe chinese new year? *sheepish grin* Anyway, thank you girls, you really made my day. :)

Merry xmas to everyone.

Watched Chestnuts.
Expectations Met.
Truly Enjoyable.
Good Work.
Well Done.
Clap Clap.

:)

A conversation sparked off a web search on this:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple by Jenny Joseph

When I am an old woman, I shall wear purple
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Suddenly, I feel like wearing purple.

Am watching CHESTNUTS tonight with some friends.
Hopefully it will be entertaining.
I have rather high expectations of it.

I am reading stories of other people's lives and i thought.. how wonderful, how interesting, how beautiful, how sad. Sometimes their lives mirrored my own and i can feel the pinch of memories passed. Other times, i looked on, a stranger in another world of different sensations and colours. I drift in and out of these little circles of other people's memories and experiences, alternating between standing beside the eye of the storm and looking from far yonder. Drawn to some and alienated by others.

What stories do i have to tell of my own life? How many would drift into my circle and linger there without me knowing? How many would watch from afar, uncomprehending of my circle of colours and sensations?

I grew a garden once, filled with different smells, tastes, textures and colours. Some colours had bedazzled me. Some smells had made me puke. Thorns had pricked my fingers and petals had cushioned my falls. Not all flowers and thorns were of my own devices. Some are carefully cultivated in the greenhouse. But I have also planted some seeds that i have no recollection of planting. Ghostly figures had tried to pick one or two blooms for their own. Presences that, at time i was conscious of, other times not. Some i let in on my own, others drifted in by themselves.

I wished i have words to express all i'm feeling.

Some days just make you realized that you are no longer 17 but really, 27 going on to 37.

You can't be rush and hasty and immature any longer.
And you will have less time to get over regrets and decisions made on impulse.
No more doing before thinking.
And everything to do with thinking before doing.
Having to be more self-conscious and realized that you are expected to take responsibilities of whatever you do and say.
If not to others, but also to yourself.
No more excuses about the ignorance of youth.
You have passed 'youth' by a long mile... and a half.
You may hate it, but its the fact.
The earlier you reconcile with the fact, the easier the passage into true "adulthood".

Someone just give me a sedative, knock me out and carry me over that threshold, please.

Congratulations! You're Legolas!


Which Lord of the Rings character and personality problem are you?
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Well.. he has got good skin and good hair.. so i really can't complain..
But the ears.... *whine*

I always feel quite disorientated after coming back to singapore from overseas, no matter how long or short the trip was. Things change here so rapidly, it takes a while to get into the flow of things again. Friends seemed to have moved further downstream and i needed sometime to find them again and keep up.

While i was away, good friend's grandmom passed away. It felt terrible not being able to be there for someone you care about when they need you. Yet, when i'm home, i'm not quite able to say the things i wanted to say, and seemed too cut off from her grief already to be able to help.

So i'm back home, and only the island of my home remained as always, unchanged.

He burnt a CD of some of the shots taken on the trip. (thanks!)
On top of that, there is another 8-9 rolls of films.
Looking forward to see those as well.
Will post some up after i look through them.

Just thought that LOTR was wonderful.
Why?
I don't know why.
I just LIKED it, OK?

Am too much of a ditz to dissect a film.

Thought the movie felt seamless unlike those choppy sequels where you have no idea how the heck did Part III ended BEHIND Part II's ass.

Hmm.

Not sure if that came out right.

Well, i adore the hobbits and the elves and spectacular effects.
Perhaps i should plan a trip to new zealand instead.
Ya.
Join the LOTR-"Come see where it's done" tour.
Maybe the air will improve the condition of my skin.
Look how clear everyone's skin is in the film.
Ya. Even Gandalf. 'Cept for the wrinkles.

Watched LOTR last night and the movie finished around 1am.
Slept at 2am and now i am back at work after my holidays.
Actually was suppose to be on leave but heck, why laze around at home when i can laze around in school and get PAID?
Ok.
People who know where i work, you can stop calling my office and telling my boss what i have just said.

Actually i am at work because there are WORK to be done.
And the occasional blogs to write.
Emails to read.
Sites to surf.
Naps to take...
Oops.
Work to do.

Besides, i need to carry over some Annual Leave for next year.
Am planning to go Canada. :)

I think it is better this way because, then i can forget.
At least i think so.

Realization no. 56:

Drafts are not permanent.

Catching up on friends' blogs and suddenly i have an urge to say "hi" to babes.
Xmas is coming.
Keep warm where you are ok?
Call me whenever you are home again.
:)

Saw an entry on elaine's blog on weight.
I cannot say how upset i am when i saw it because that is how it was for me as well.
Only i can't have said it better.
For her, demons reside in her highschool past.
For me, the only time i felt so insanely obsessed with how "fat" i am is only with him.
Yes.
One and only him.
Because he made me feel fat and not good enough.
It didn't matter how many sorries been said, my perception has been turned.
It is like having one of those funny mirrors around whenever i am with him, i always look fat and never beautiful.
I have never felt that way with my friends because, like elaine said, they have never made me felt that way.
It is really not about how much you weight per se.
It is really the perception that others keep harping on you.
Especially people who you care about and wish would think that you are beautiful.
My parents and brothers can call me fat and i wouldn't mind as much because they are family and despite what we say, we accept each other, because like my brother said, its "blood".
Yet, despite how much i know consciously not to let what other people say interfer with the my own concept of self, he got to me nonetheless when no one else could have.

It is not fair.
Despite knowing it isn't fair and it isn't right for me to feel so bad about myself/my body image when i am with him, i still do.

Screw all you superficial people who judge people on the account of their body size!

Done with holiday and doubly tired, physically.
Emotionally and mentally felt abit more refreshed, if i might add, a little blank.
Good.
Will need a blank slate to start piling on the junk for the next half of the year.

I will write soon about tasmania!
I just need to find the time!

Golly.

My cat has grown fatter and badly needs grooming.
He is shredding tons of fur all over my room.

Started my bro on a personal blog of his very own after i found out that he was reading mine. Not sure if its a mistake but heck, its a free web world out there. Besides i thought he could build up abit on his writing skills. I bet he is doing it as a joke but hey, who knows, maybe he will finally get an outlet to vent his perpetual grievances.

A caution for anyone reading his drivels; he has this weird-ass sense of humour which even people who lived with him for 25 years has not really fathomed through. I wonder how many people he is going to offend. God knows he offended me enough times already. It has gotten so bad that i can even laugh at it without feeling the pain. But then, after knowing him for so long, i have learnt to be GRACIOUS, KIND and FORGIVING, towards his insults and humour (though it is difficult to guage _when_ exactly is HE offended). And as he liked to remind me, if it wasn't for his brand of training, i wouldn't have the PATIENCE working with children the way i am today. For that, i am eternally grateful.

Ah, the delight of being part of a strange but wonderfully interesting family. :)

Touched down on 21st dec 3.20am in T1 Changi.

My clothes smelled bad.
My hair was stringy.
My back and legs were aching.
My throat felt like saw dust.
My breath smelled bad.
My head was spinning.
My eyes were blurry.

And to top it off, it was raining cats and dogs.

Boy, am i glad to be home. :)

2 more days to go before flying home and now i am hanging around in Canberra where my brother is. I will write about my nine days in tasmania later once i have some time to look through my notes. Have stopped writing notes since i got to canberra cos' i was lazy and just wanted to relax.

So what did i do in ACT (australian capital territory)? This is already my third day here and first thing of note is that the weather is hot, hot, HOT. The sun is blazing and temp is soaring. Great if there is some beach to go to but alas, there's only the lake Burley Griffin where most of the important buildings are located around it (example, the parliament house etc). But no one swims there, except maybe some wild kangaroos.

Monday
Flew in late in monday afternoon to canberra on a twin propeller plane from sydney (A$69 from REX) and rested awhile at my brother's place before dinner and then he drove us around looking at the sights in the night. Not much of a first impression except that the city is pretty well planned and buildings/roads are spaced out so it felt quite "roomy", not that congested feeling of everything being built one on top of the other in other cities.

Tuesday
Drove about 40mins out of canberra because i wanted to visit the Tidbinbilla Nature Reserve where i read that you can see wild life such as kangaroos and koalas while trekking through the reserve. On the way there, we passed by hills and hills of dead trees which reminded me of tiny burnt out matchstick from afar. The sun was scorching hot when we reached there and then we found out that the bushfire in January 2003 killed most of the animals around the reserve as well as destroyed the flora. I have totally forgotten about that disastrous bushfire which happened around Canberra at that time. It is quite sad to see all the burnt up trees and pictures of "roasted" animals after the fires. One of the kept koalas in the reserved managed to survive but terribly scarred. Now it is renamed "Lucky" and it is being kept in a little enclosure, still trying to recuperate.

After going to the reserve, we went back to the city and went to the National Museum of Australia on the northern shore of the lake. The building itself is quite "extraordinary" and dramatic in terms of its design and used of materials (though not quite as "dramatic" as our "Durians". The exhibits themselves are quite informative and reflective. I mean, generally, being a state owned museum, i would expect a certain subtle sense of "cover-up" bits of history none to glorious yet, there was an overt attempt to not do that in this museum. Right from the start, during the "Circa" exhibit, where we sat in a rotating auditorium watching short videos centred around the themes "Nation, People and Land", the narrative or quotes were taken from real life people themselves without a sense of "censorship" being in place. There were views, both good and bad about the country which were quite frank and insightful.

Wednesday
Started off early morning to the Australian War Memorial. It is a great fortress like building filled with many amazing relics and dioramas (i.e. 3d models of war scenes) of every war that Australia has been involved in. We took more time than expected walking around the memorial as it was really massive, and i learnt alot more than i ever knew about WWI and WWII. There were also exhibits about more recent wars such as the Gulf war and there were also artworks displayed alongside the war exhibits which made the Memorial a little more different than others. Just outside the War Memorial, is the Anzac Parade, where more sculptures/memorial were placed along the road dedicated to the men and women sacrificed in the various wars.

After visiting the Memorial, we trodded quickly to the National Zoo and Aquarium as we were booked on to the ZooVenture tour at 3.30pm. Have read of the tour on the flight to Canberra and it seemed quite interesting. It was a two hour tour behind the scenes with a guide where a group of ten people had a better chance of knowing the zoo animals and feeding them. It is a little private zoo ran by an australian family. There wasn't alot of animals and functions primarily as a breeding/conservation and animal sanctuary. In fact, some of the animals there were ex-circus animals which had no place to go when the circus disbanded. We met some unusual animals such as the tigons (yes, not a spelling mistake. A tigon is a cross between a male tiger with a female lion. If vice versa, male lion and female tiger, the offspring is called a liger). These were ex-circus cats who were breed natually for novelty value (by the circus folks i guess) though interestingly enough, all male tigons are sterile, hence you can never get two tigons to mate in natural circumstances. We had a chance to feed other big cats such as the lions and tigers with chicken wings through their cages (no, we didn't actually go in the cage since they are WILD animals *duh*). We also fed a sunbear fruits with a fork and let a brown bear licked honey off our fingers (boy, were their tongues long and felt so erm.. warm and slushy). We patted dingos and had a python slither across our shoulders (felt cold and dry). The guide also explained more about each animals habits and behaviour. On the whole, it was a great experience that you don't have every day. Though the zoo was small, it was well landscaped and we could tell that the people working there really enjoying looking after the animals. Our guide knew each animal by name and they actually come when she called!

Thursday
Decided to take it easy for the day as will be flying out to Sydney the next morning. Was supposed to visit both the National Gallery of Australia as well as ScreenSound Australia which collects and preserves films and sound recordings but I was quite tired and felt sick by the time we got out at the Gallery that we decided to give ScreenSound a miss. The National Gallery is definitely bigger than SAM and the collection was quite eclectic though not comprehensive (except the australian artists).

On the whole, Canberra wasn't quite as boring as i thought it would be and there are pretty good museums around. However, the night life leaves much to be desired and like Tasmania, everything seems quiet after 5pm. Ah well, who needs a night life where there is my brother's PS2 readily available in his room? *smiles*

Goodbye to everyone
and no, i'm not going to jump out of the plane.
But miss me.
You know you want to.
*grins*

Anyone want anything from sydney or tasmania which isn't too big, too expensive or require a cage can sms me their needs.

On May 17th 2002, 12.36am..

I wrote:

"You are right, it is better when people share their problems with someone else because then, at least someone will know the reason why we jumped off the roof."

It is always good to know why, i think.

I am going on a summer holiday.

Gonna wear my shorts and bikini tops.
Gonna get a tan.
Gonna relax.
Gonna swim and hike.
Gonna drive with my shades down.
Gonna laugh with wind running through my hair.
Gonna shout at sea gulls by the beach.
Gonna sleep under the stars.

Not gonna think about the trappings of life.

Cross my fingers and wish me luck!

I am such a pig!
Been pigging out at lunch since the holiday started though i tried to make up for it by skipping dinners. Not sure if that's the best thing to do because it makes me feel like having suppers!

Grrrrr.

Why doesn't guys have problem with going on diets and maintaining weight?!
I'd bet it is because even pretty young jap girls would marry big fat sumo wrestlers despite their size yet i have not seen roseanne barr keeping a man for long.

Anyway ladies, if any man dares to tell you you need to lose weight in your face, give them a boot in their ass and tell them that alice says "up yours".

Hrumph.

:)

I don't usually curse... or apologize.
And i am doing quite well, thank you.

Realization no. 55:

Where the fuck are my traffic lights when i need them?

I am thinking about traffic lights.
How we all have them in our lives.
Some called it their conscience, others called it morals.
I think traffic lights suit me just fine.

Red means no.
Green means yes.
Amber means maybe.

How complicated can it be?

I think traffic lights are there to keep everyone in their place.
Of course whether or not you decide to chiong the red light will be your choice.

Look. Its flashing amber.
Don't cross the line now, it will be red soon.
My life is a whole series of flashing amber.

Was talking about blogs and i wondered if my blog has been filled with...

"duh
duh
duh
duh
awwwww...
duh
duh"

moments...

Heck. The ego in me is now worried.

Sorted out the internal flights and car rental.
Can at last relax a little.

Was just thinking about the Body Worlds exhibition again.

I don't think that i am uncomfortable with the fact that i am looking at dead bodies.
Nor am i disgusted or afraid.
I just find it difficult to reconcile within myself that human bodies, once alive, are now just "plastic-fied" objects.
While i can understand and even perhaps admire their contribution to science and learning and even trust that they have been treated with respect upon their death by the scientists which made all this preservation possible, I just cannot view each individual body, bones, organs, nerves, veins, brain, muscles and various other body parts singularly, without first thinking about who these people are, where do they come from, what did they do, what memories do they have, who are their families and how did they die.

Simply put, i can't bring myself to look at the body solely as a physical object without thinking about the "humanity" it encases.
The memories.
The personality.
Or, the soul.

It is just me and my inability to compartmentalize the individual parts.
I don't think that i am afraid of physical death per se.
I am just afraid of the loss of the intangible and unique part of men, like memories.

Finally finished with the camp on friday after a very exhasting two days. Went home and slept and slept till dinner time. Saturday morning had to go to buy my dog and cat's pet food and litter box sand before meeting him and going to a friend's art exhibition. Picked up a really cool manual/auto camera (nikon em, made in 1979) secondhand for $100 from at the exhibition. My friend is a camera freak and owns so many that he doesn't even know how many he had and was clearing away some "stock". It is a real bargain and i finally have my own manual camera to play with, other than fooling around with his dad's old minolta. My new "old" camera is pretty compact and come with a spot meter (i hope i am not mucking up the terms). I am going to start learning photography next!! My friend even threw in 2 type of lens for me. Ok, i am really not sure of my terms now, but one is sort of fixed (no zoom) while the other is a 80-200 zoom lens (well, just means every things look really close up and could be more so when you zoom in). He said he is going to get me a lens that is sort of the in between range later. :)

In school camping with some of my students' siblings and its really tiring BUT fun! I enjoying being with these kids and they really say the darnest things.

I need more time to prepare
for my trip.

Did i say something wrong?

When i am feeling down, i like to put my head on Ruski's tummy, feeling his soft fur while listening to him purr and feel the vibrations running through my cheeks.

How exciting!
I am preparing for the sibling camp in school and though it seems quite hectic, i'm pretty excited and "psyched" up to meet the teenagers coming for the camp!
Some of the brothers and sisters i've already met and they seemed a decent bunch.
I have a pretty good feeling that this will turn out well.

Lighten up and relax angela! *grins* It will be okie!

My Bloginality is ISTP!!!

As an ISTP, you are Intraverted, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving.
This makes your primary focus on Introverted Thinking with Extraverted Sensing

This is defined as a SP personality, which is part of Carl Jung's Artisans (Sensation Seeking) type, and more specifically the Crafters or Mechanics.

Because of your desire for action and independance, you will change the format of blogging or design frequently to keep it interesting and different. Your loyalty may have you reading the same blogs over a long period of time. Even though you could be easily bored with blogging, you might find that because you like following a project through, this is a good way for you to use your alone time to sort the facts you pick up through the day.


Hence my tweaking fit!! Gosh! I love silly quizzes that tells me all about myself!

Went to Carrefore last saturday and "adopted" another doinkie.
It is a little beanie eeyore sitting on top of some boxes in the midst of the weekend supermarket chaos.
It looked lost and forlorn with none of his companions in sight.
He saw me looked at the toy and asked "Do you want to adopt him?".
I smiled because he remembered how i feel about undertrodden soft toys.
Some people adopt stray animals but i adopt stray soft toys that no one wants.

My cat is a junk tv addict.
He enjoys watching stuff like "Are you Hot?"!

Its better not to think too much about things.
Especially since this is the holidays.
Hmm.
Obsessive Compulsive people like me tends to dwell.

Yes, its the holidays and instead of fooling around with the template this time round, i decided to add on a chatterbox. Don't think anyone will use it but hey, my fingers were just idling. :D

Yes yes.. i believe i am. Yes.


obsessive compulsive


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
brought to you by Quizilla

Went to the Body Worlds exhibition at the expo just now.
Very interesting but just a tad bit disturbing at some point.
Especially the deformed foetus on display.
Some bodies are like macabre art works straight out of the studio of a mad but brilliant sculptor.
Still, it is an amazing and intricate look into a human body.
It sort of make you realized that beneath of that skin, everyone is basically just the same as each other.

For those who are interested in something a little different...


************************************************

In the Soundproof room�
Nobody can see you smile

starring Kevin Ho

STAGES resident storyteller Kevin Ho returns from the UK to offer you a night of stories for adults, tinged with acid yet laced with cinnamon. A bit like an exotic cookie.

A handsome, fair-skinned fiddler gets all the jobs while the hunchbacked, dark-skinned one doesn�t. An architect pays the price of success in a society that does not tolerate failure. The Knights of the Round Table hold an opinion poll with a highly embarrassing question. And if you manage to catch the Gingerbread Man, you just might look at your life a little differently. Strangely enough, the most unbelievable stories are the real life adventures of the storyteller, in his bid to collect stories from all over the world! Then again, never trust the truth in the hands of a storyteller�

Scathing cynicism lurks just beneath the surface of the most beautiful fairytales like a gang of sharks. If you thought that storytelling was just for kids, or that you�d outgrown the Gingerbread Man, give us a chance to change your mind.

Date 13th Dec 2003
Showtime 8pm
Venue Soundproof Room 1
Siglap South CC
6 Palm Road
Singapore 456441
Ticket prices $5
more details on www.nowstagethis.com/home.html

or ask STAGES for info at info@nowstagethis.com

I don't really care for poetry that rhymes.
The most emotive poems i have read don't rhyme.
Somehow, when they do, emotions seemed to have put on a veneer, a sort of stiff upper lip that says "thou shall not knowst my true emotions".
I say, give me the angrish plain and simple and don't make me guess.
As if life isn't cryptic enough as it is.
Rhymes can well be a technique but shouldn't be absolutely necessary.
I don't need poetry that rhymes
but if you do, i'm sure you will be just as happy as me being without.

Brewing...
Stirring...

something.

Another almost sleepless night.
No matter... I'm quite used to it.
It shouldn't have mattered as it was saturday but then, who would have thought that i needed to be in school for the new parents' orientation?
Not really needed anyway, because i am spending my time idling infront of the computer blogging.

Yes. I wonder.
Does millk neutralize chili?
This is the advice i gave to a friend but i had a nagging feeling it may just make the stomach worse.

If you have the power to look into the hearts of people and know what they are thinking or feeling, would you want to?

Sometimes ignorance is bliss and perhaps life will be more fun if everyone is left guessing right till the end.

I realized that i don't put people's name down on my blog much.
Its always...

a colleague
a friend
some friends
a couple of friends
someone
you
him

I don't have nicknames for them, just nouns and pronouns.

It may seem distant and unfeeling.
I just thought i ought to respect their privacy despite them not asking for it (not overtly anyway).
Or perhaps i just like to keep parts of me private despite having something so public, like a blog.
Or perhaps i'm just egotistical, everything else is peripheral to me, hence inconsequential and nameless.

Actually, i am a pretty excitable person whose voice tend to "peak" each time i talked about something i feel strongly for. So says a colleague.
No wonder my voice felt strained sometimes.

Just woke up from taking a nap after forgoing dinner, in my room, hugging my bolster, still groggy from the rapidly forgotten vivid dream i just had.

Dreamt of running through a darkened tunnel, running to escape from a disaster, a monster i cannot see.

Next, i was sitting on a sofa watching tv, in an american suburban house with white trimmings.

Someone has taken control of the house. A lady in black leather and a man. Scheming to take over while standing over the kitchen sink.

Outside the house, there were 3 witches. I was outside the scene then suddenly, i was one of them. Reciting a chant, sprinkling green dust with our blood mingled together onto the porch landing. Green mist spread throughout the house, touching the lady in black leather. She looked at the slimy green mist and walked away.

Back again on the sofa and i can't see but i was not afraid. The other two in various parts of the house.

We sat around the dining table, deluded into feeling safe. The mist must have worked. Except it didn't. We lived in dreams we wanted to see, while our unconscious bodies lie in various parts of the room.

Suddenly it was dark again at the dining table. We were only two. We heard the third walking downstairs, unsure if she was awake or were we.

I held on to one other. We were three at the table, yet someone continued to walk downstairs. One of us still. Sense of feeling trapped. I wasn't sure who i was holding on to. The person next to me. One of the three and she was talking. Trying to break the spell but i couldn't be sure if i was still in a darkened trance or am i still holding on, my conscious body touching another being.

We were holding the charms that made the green dust. Parts of supposably happy memories. A box of chocolates. A broken green cheap jade bangle. We tried to hang on to them, holding on to each other. Yet we couldn't be sure if we were each other. Someone continued to walk downstairs. One of us still. Except in a sudden flash, i saw her in a nurse uniform totally oblivious of being upstairs holding on to the two of us still.

I woke up holding on to my bolster, the arm of the girl next to me, in my darkened bedroom.

Somewhere a phone rang.

You understand that if you ask, i'm never going to admit it, about what i've just wrote, right?

I know what i have and what i am.
At least a side of me.
I'm afraid to say it out loud.
To type the words.
To scream, "I am *******"
I'm afraid how others will react.
What they will say to me.
What they will say to each other.
To put a name to the demon.
But i accept that demon.
Its part of me and i've lived with it.
Its a mutual acceptance that when i need it,
it would hover over me.
When i don't need it,
it would recede into another consciousness.
I know its there but no longer fear it being there.
It has grown to be understanding and undemanding.
It has become part of me.

I am losing touch with parts of me.
The empathizing part.
The soul and consciousness.
Its not just about you anymore, and hasn't been for a while.
Has it been about me?

I realized the world is not about me and my angst. I don't have a monopoly for misery. I stop feeling sorry for myself. In fact, my life has been blissful when i am willing to admit it. I have no reason to be angry with the world, with you, with myself. There is not need to be angry to make more of my life than it is. There is no need to write about you and misery to fill up the spaces. There is no need to dwell and lament and rant and rave.

Yet, taken all that away, i'm left such a boring and dead person.
A would-be person held together by scars, stepped away and geez, where did the person go?

Me. Its not about me being sane, insane, mad, calm, miserable, happy.
Without such feelings, what would i be? What can i write about?
Daily barrage of drivels.
Sometimes i can't even be bother.

Truly.
Perhaps i have reach the stage of indifference that i fear the most.

Fear. That's something.

Graduation day for some of the kids today and we had a big celebration where the theme was pirates. Everyone had fun and there were skits and dances, as well as best dressed pirates competition. I will definitely miss some of the kids that are leaving and was busy trying to rope them down to take photos. Its nice when parents are generally happy with what we had tried to do with their child and expresses their appreciation. I must say that it has been a pleasure to work with some of them personally. Sigh. Guess there will always be time when kids moved on and new kids coming in. In fact, tomorrow will have to be in school at 8am for the new parents orientation. I am glad that the children are moving on to another educational setting, just... well, will miss them.

YOU ARE WATER!

Your inner element is one of great compassion and
love. You are an extremely kind-hearted person
who tends to care more about helping others
than themselves at times. You gravitate to
people who need help or just a shoulder to cry
on and you provide them with the support they
need. You harbor an intense compassion for
others that is truly admirable. You are an
incredibly easy-going person who just goes with
the flow and tries to be comfortable no matter
what. You tend to collect things, little
reminders or memories of time gone past. Any
career that will allow you to help others in
any way is ideal for you. Love is a essential
element in your life, and your search for the
one and only for you is paramount to all
things. The one you choose with have to be
loyal, honest, and able to share their emotions
with you.

Your greatest strengths are your ability to bond
with others and help them through the tough
times. Your weaknesses are your tendency to get
overly emotional on things and drive those you
care about away with your emotional outbursts.
Balancing your strengths and weaknesses is
crucial for you to achieve balance in your
life.

Astrologically, Water is associated with the signs
of Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. You are most
compatible for either love or friendship with
another Water Elemental or with an Earth. You
are least compatible with a Fire Elemental.

Now that you have an idea of your strengths and
weaknesses, why don't you put them to the test?
If you follow my lead I can take you to a game
world where you can explore different sides of
yourself and taste real power....




Which of the 5 Prime Elements are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Reading about someone who is doing his phd. Suddenly something stirred within me and i was afraid.

Monday night.

Another wedding dinner of a friend. Quite a nice dinner sitting with people whom i can talk to (or talk about *nudge nudge gpa*) and met some new people. The bride had 4 different gowns for the night and it was the most change of clothes i have ever sat through in a wedding dinner. I wonder if the newly-weds had any food at all. For that matter, i wonder if the emcee had any food at all, as she was busy running here and there. Anyway, the food was so-so but the company was great. *smiles at snow and gpa* Especially all those talk about different ways to plan for a wedding next time. I think we quite, quite shock the other guys in the table about our "daring", if not innovative ideas. Personally, i thought selling tickets at the padang is a terrific plan. :))

Saturday.

Colleague's wedding at MGS chapel. She was one year my junior in MGS and later in NJC. And now, we are colleagues. Small world. It was a lovely wedding and the atmosphere was casual and cosy. I think she looked radiant and happy. No sign of stress or pressure just before the ceremony at all. The service was wonderful and funny, and the buffet later was pretty good too. All in all, i enjoyed myself and it was nice to be back at my old school again.

After dinner, checked out his bench at merlion park. The paint on it is starting to come off bit by bit. Felt abit sad but it was quite heartening to see families gathering to take photos with individual designs of the benches. Met up with the girls and their other halfs at HV for drinks but was feeling really tired.

Sunday was landscape painting day. Last lesson would be next tuesday. Should be signing up as a private student with the same teacher. Probably starting in jan'04. Then had lunch and shopped for some clothes for my aussie trip. Quite relaxing. Was suppose to go the the expo for the bodyworks exhibition but was so tired that went home and fell asleep promptly instead. Watched star wars and sent him home.

Actually, there's nothing much to be said about how i spent my days. Just that i'm trying to occupy them the best that i can. I do want to spend my days well and happy. Sometimes it is hard to gauge if i am. Happy i mean. I guess most of the time i am.

Went to Hossan Live on friday with a couple of friends and it was pretty fun watching him take the mickey out of PAP, opposition party, the merlion, the esplanade, people across the causeway and life in the garden city in general. Majority of the jokes worked for me though some fell flat. What's annoying though is this silly lady behind me that kept explaining the punchline each and every step of the way

For example... (during the taxi cab "garment" joke)
She: "Hahaha garment! Like government!". (repeated each time a similar joke comes up, none to softly either)

I mean, for heaven's sake! DUH! Does she even know what subtle means?? We get the joke already! Do you need to spell our EVERYTHING? Sheesh.

Anyway, i think all of us enjoyed the show pretty much. Its a pity that friends who got the tickets originally didn't get to come. Perhaps another time...

Yes, Angela.
School leave policy sucked.
But then i'm sure there are perks too.
For me, i enjoy being able to take block leave during school holidays regularly every year which alot of places don't allow you to.
I can only wish i have more than 21 days in my annual leave.
Cheer up lah!
I'm sure half day during Graduation day won't be too much of a problem.

Been quite lazy and not been buying my broccoli and baby carrots for lunch. Now eating sinfully oily vegetable/rice from coffeeshop opposite school. Argh. I feel like my stomach is revolting again. Must persist in healthy life-style!!!! Will go cycling tonight after dinner with department. ARGH. Jap food tonight!! How to control?! *Sulk*

It is the time of the year where we have case conferences again. Meeting parents after parents after parents. Some are nice, some are well.. stressed. Already, there are some potential difficulties arising from some parents when their children turns 6, a critical age. A time when some parents would asked, "What is the future for my child", "Can he/she go to mainstream.". Some parents don't even ask, but has it in their heads that their child have to be in mainstream and all they wanted to know is how to get their child there. A little bit more than stressful when sometimes we know that that child most probably will have a lot of difficulties going there.

Alas.

I am hoping for holidays to come right now.

Craziness... he is back from trip and yet doubly busy still with staff retreat and his kids' exams. Though he sneaked out to come over, most of the time he was trying to use the computer to see if he could talk to his kids or that his phone kept beeping. In the end i fell asleep instead. Guess i could only talk to him after the 21st. Hate talking to people especially when they are preoccupied or stressed or both. I think rather than get all upset and bothered, it would have been better to see him after he had settled what he has to do, then he won't get stress having to manage his work and balancing me off the side and i won't have to sit around feeling bored and upset. Luckily these days i have other things to occupy me.

He has been away on a school art trip to thailand during the weekend but will be returning today. Looking forward to hugging him but not before wringing his neck first for not calling me at all throughout his trip and making me worry. :P

Last night, attended the wake of friend's dad. Tons of people were there and cars lined the narrow roads leading to her house. Not sure what i can say in times like these but i hoped that she will be okie. She looked alittle lost and very wan. Her brother and mother also don't looked too good. But at least i know there will be someone who is looking out for her in her time of need. Wish i could do more or say more to make things better, but i know the family just need alot of time and support now.

Last sunday, had my landscape painting class in the morning as usual at the field opposite bugis junction. The painting is coming along bit by bit but i'd say that i still need a lot of help from my teacher. Some of his other private students were there as well and boy, do i have lots to learn! Will probably continue to sign on as a private student with him after the last session next week.

Lazed around in the afternoon and watched some VCDs and catching up on my reading. Now finally have some time to start on the antique "One thousand and one nights" tales i bought from perth. Pretty relaxing.

Got a call for coffee/supper in the evening but spent sometime tweaking my landscape first and cleaning up before cycling down frankel ave to dartmoor. Or was it darwoods? Should be darwoods i think. Isn't dartmoor in england? Well, maybe i had too much teh halia that night so can't really remember. Have to remember to try not to do that on the nights when i have to prepare to go the work the next morning. *grins*. Anyway, company was interesting and we talked from 10.30 till 2 in the morning. Definitely people whom i would enjoy talking to again. After that, cycled home in the cool breeze and it was very peaceful to cycle late at night without much traffic.

Guess the only downside of it all is that i felt like a walking zombie on monday morning. :)

Last saturday night, had dinner with a girl friend which was quite nice till she invited me to this party with her boss and the evening sort of went downhill from there. It is not to say that the people were not nice. Just felt very uncomfortable there because i don't know anyone and that everyone is heavily involved in making lotsa moolah in one way or the other. Most are from this and that big finance company or banks. People who goes to tokyo for holidays and stay in the BEST hotels. People who talked about work and who's who in the industry. People who smoked cigars and collect art works. People who lived right smack in the orchard road. Well, just different circle of people altogether.

I felt like a country idiot. I couldn't talk to anyone there and nothing made sense to me. Even the cats were of a higher "class" than i was. Hardly a pedigree and can never faked to be one. Way out of my league, man. Didn't help that i embarrassed myself (and i suspect, my friend) when i walked right smack into the balcony glass door (why did they have only candles when they were so rich??) right infront of these glamourous people.

Ouch.

Still, every new experience is a good experience. Even embarrassing ones.

Last friday night, i had supper with my brother after i woke up from my nap, which by then, most friends are either on the way to bed or out with plans already, but it was for the best as i had quite an interesting time with bro. Took him to the arab st cafe where he had kebabs (though he wanted prata at first), and he enjoyed it quite a bit. Don't really have much chances speaking to my bro one on one because well.. it seemed at times we just pursuing very different things. That's not to say that we have a bad relationship (perhaps when younger *grins*) but we didn't think we have much in common. So while we stay in touch with what each other is doing, we seldom sit down and talk about them.

Finally we had a chance on friday and turns out that we have more in common than we think. We discussed about our personalities (all 3 siblings), our parents and how we view our future. He is at the juncture of his life where he has many options he would like to explore but didn't know what to chose. Hence he admired my single-mindedness in knowing what i want and how i am to get it. While i admired his quest for knowledge and always wanting to find out more and get more out of life. It was heartening to hear that he truly believe in the things that i do despite him always making fun of me about doing "charity" infront of my parents. It was also nice that he acknowledged and agreed with me about the importance of having some equilibrium in his life because i have observed that he burn himself out once he is engrossed in one thing or the other, be it work or relationships. Yet i do admire his tenacity and focus once he start on a project. And from him, i learnt that i ought to explore the options around me and not close my mind to them all the time to give myself a fair chance to excel. To take a little risk now a then.

In the end we agreed that my youngest brother, being the most carefree of all, is quite like a leaf floating peacefully in the wind where he did not mind going where the wind leads him. While this brother sighed that he is like a tree on the mountain, always wanting to grow higher and higher without knowing when and where to stop. And me, i'm like a cork on the sea, always attempting to seek equilibrium, not wanting to fly up high, or sink down to the bottom, just happy to keep to wherever the level of water is at.

Its nice to have supper with my brother once in a while. Suddenly, i felt closer to him than i had in ages and it felt nice.

Didn't sleep much last night so feeling a little like a walking zombie.
At least i still sound coherent infront of the parents.

On a sombre note...

Colleague's good friend's dad passed away on sunday and it was quite a shock even though i didn't know her that well. But i can imagine that death in the family can never be an easy thing to cope with. He was only 53. Looks like colleague is having a pretty hard time too and i know that relationship with the dad has not always been an easy one. But as she said, perhaps when the person dies, you don't really remember the bad things. I think humans are ultimately forgiving even though sometimes you would wish for the forgiving and understanding to have come earlier. I know this would probably stay with my colleague and the good friend for a long time to come but somehow, as long as they are there for each other, i think they would help each other cope with all the questions unanswered. Death usually meant leaving behind alot of questions marks but then, would these questions have mattered after the person have moved on to another place? Hoping that the family will pull through this.

My condolences...

Blogger ate my post about wrestling children at work twice in a row.
Darn if i didn't learn my lesson the first time and crtl-c the entire thing first.
Oh well.
Last thing i need is for blogger to start censoring my blogs.

Oh look.
My cat sleeps
and
sleeps.

Had quite a successful home visit to one of my student who refused to leave his house. Very happy that we managed to get him to eat, shower and engaged in some simple activities finally. Made me feel good inside and happy. However, can't say very much the same about some of the people i'm working with (just a very small number of them), who just made me want to scream. Heck... i thought we ought to be working for the children and it is appalling that some people can say that they don't to be in a particular class because they do not like so and so child. I wish i can chew their head off except at work, everybody had to be "professional" and talk things over and over and over again. It makes people sort of forget what the piorities are in the first place.

Matrix Revolutions had quite a dud ending despite the adrenaline-filled in-your-face and blown-to-bits attack of zion scene. The whole philosophy and premise of the matrix could only sustain the interest for so long before you think, "fuck it, what the heck did that mean???". I read countless and countless of debates, discussions about what each little piece of "data" within the movie meant and boy, do these people have time to analyze EVERYTHING. Till it reach a point where everything is freaking symbolic and like, "excellent man" (think keanu in bill&ted's amazing adventure).

Probably if i stopped to think about it (which i did, but it was too convoluted for words), it will all come to me naturally. Hell, i would even admit that the first movie got me expounding zen and life as i knew what they meant to people around me. But Revolutions just didn't quite cut it for me. The whole messiah ending with neo going back to the source (Oo.. spoiler? NOT) in all blaze and hallelujah glory just did it in for me. Not to mentioned the fact that i was getting a bit pissed off (like the rest of the audience) by the horrendous soundtrack (squeaks, squeals and screeches) where bits of conversations get replaced by elevator music. It was amazing i sat through the whole thing.

Perhaps its the bad cinema experience that marred my enjoyment of the movie. Why not? But damn if i would spend another dollar to watch it again. Maybe when i've simmered down, i would BORROW a vcd and work it all out again.

Hmm. Pardon my french.

Watching Matrix tonight at 945. Methinks me would be quite tired at the end of the day.

The last two wednesday mornings were spent at the dolphin lagoon in sentosa with some of the students and the dolphin trainers as part of a trial package for children with special needs to meet/interact with the pink dolphins. I can see that the kids had an amazing time there while i was filming them with the school digicam. Some who used to be quite passive and lack confidence to tried new things were surprisingly calm and willingly to be led into the water to stroke and feed the dolphin. When the finale came (they get to hang on to the dolphin's dosal fin with the trainer while it swim around), none of them were afraid and some, who kept a pretty flat expression thus far, came back out of the water smiling so beautifully that it was quite touching. All the adults were cheering the kids on, including out bus uncle and one kid was so happy that he even turned to wave at us while hanging on to the dolphin with another hand.

Really, despite the fact that these children are "different" from other kids, they are really kids after all. You can see their excitement and feel their happiness as they chatted and make noise all the way back to school on the bus. Perhaps i sound a little selfish when i said this, but despite all the wild-life preservationists called to set the dolphins free, i am really appreciative that our kids had a chance to interact with these gentle animals. I could really see how they manage to bring the children side of them out in contrast to the usual "emotional-indifferent" self that we see so often in school. The trainers were incredibly gentle to our children as well as the dolphin and i could see how they cared for all of them (e.g. giving the dolphin plenty of breaks in between when they felt he needed to rest or swim or jump). I really wished that more of our children have a chance like this.

For some crazy reason, i can't see the recent blogs i typed since last night. Why?

Its morning and i have case conference with parents stretching from 9.15am all the way till 6.15pm.

Don't know have time to eat the shuan4 pan2 zi3 my mom made for lunch or not...

I think i always gets slightly nostalgic when i am really tired.
Perhaps i ought to go to bed and not look through mindless junk of old.

Ahhhh!!!! okie.. Just one more. I promise i will stop! Really! Argh!

Finale

a sense of completion
of finality
push her out of the revelry
which sustained her thus far

an overwhelming sense of need
of desire
curbed
her morality set free

They came full circle
upon pebbles on the beach
dawn breaks over the water
over the land
over him
over her
over them

uncertain dawn weaken from the night
grew in strengths of resolution
no longer wrapped by the seducing night
the blinding incoherence

the one embraced by darkness
becomes two hence

a tinge of sadness
of regret
time awashing all traces
only the beginning remains

They came full circle
an unbroken chain in the night
awaking in a dream
to where they were again

thus finality has spoken
the beginning's begun

Spent the evening on my landscape painting before working some energy off by cycling down telok kurau and meandering around the quaint little houses.

Boy, does my muscles ache.

Oh... let me indulge in a little juvenile drivel!

He and She

They met for the first time. A young boy and a young girl.
They became friends a little by little, a bit by bit.
Slowly and surely, they became the best of friends.
They shared laughter.
They shared tears.
Years passed, slowly and surely, the girl found that she loved the boy,
a little by little, a bit by bit.
'Do you like me?' she asked one day.
'We are the best of friends' he replied. She smiled sadly.
She loved the boy with all her heart. She wished he would love her back.
She waited.
She wanted him to be happy.
He wanted to see the world. And he did.
Postcards, letters, photographs came, he never forgotten her.
They were the best of friends. She was contented.
And she waited.
'Do you love me?' she wrote.
'We are the best of friends.' he replied. He was sad.
He kept all her mails.
He thought of her as he travelled from city to city.
He loved all that he saw and touched.
She was happy for him.
And she waited.
'Do you love her?' his friend asked.
'We are the best of friends.' he replied.
He knew how she felt.
He knew she waited.
He wanted to see the world.
'I love you' she wrote.
'I know' he replied.
She smiled sadly. She wanted him to be happy.
'Do i love her?' he thought.
'You are the best of friends.' came the reply.
He loved all that he saw and touched.
He wanted her to be happy. She was his best friend.
He didn't know what to do.
And she waited.
And one day,
like tears on virgin snow, she disappeared.
'Did you love her?' someone asked after a long long time.
Silence was his answer.

Breathe

Little
pants
punched
holes
into
your face
quickly
as
yours
punched
back
to mine

quick
exchange
spittle
flew
yet
unable
to douse
the
hot
air
between
the spaces

short
puffs
quick
intake
sharp
stabs
to my
lungs
a
final
gasp

"i
cant
take
it
anymore"

-with a mighty heave
a great big push
i broke away-

with
my eyes closed
laboured breath had
strained my lungs and
thoughts
receding pants made up
by longer ones
cool air replaced hot
one by one
slowly slowly
i took this
long deserved

The storytelling for beginners' course i have attended is starting again. Anyone interested?

I had a real good time during the sessions and learnt quite a bit though definitely not good enough to perform to an audience yet. The teacher is also very entertaining and good in what he does, not to mention very helpful whenever we have questions. So anyone with two free sundays in Nov, no harm trying out something different and have some fun in the process. Good way to meet build up some confidence in public speaking as well as meeting new people.

Saw the man standing by the lorry, as all the vehicles stopped at the traffic junction. He looked unkempted and not entirely lucid. I am not sure if he is indian, malay or perhaps some exotic african who got lost in tropical singapore. He was wearing a tattered red t-shirt and faded jeans, sprouting a thick curly beard. The man stood for a while and for a minute i wondered if he was mad and weighed the likelihood that he may just walked into the traffic as it moved. Instead, he began by walking to the middle of the road, right up to the car which was 2 cars ahead of mine, gesturing to the driver inside that he wanted food to eat. I am not sure how the driver reacted, but the man smiled and walked back towards the lorry. Instantaneously, my initial worry that he may be knocked down and my curiousity of this man was replaced by a more immediate fear, that he may soon approach my car with the same request. It is the fear that i would not know how to react to the man. Would i look embarrass? Smile? Accede to his request by giving him money? Ignore him? Pretend that he never existed? As much as i was concerned initially about this strange man, when the pull comes to the crunch, when i am on the verge of being confronted personally, my immediate reaction was to become fearful.

In the end, the man disappeared behind another bus next to my car and the traffic lights turned green. There was a sense of relief which was followed closely by a sense of shame. I never did have to chance to know what exactly would i do yet, i suspect my potential reaction would not be one that i can be proud of.

Inbetween my oil painting classes, school work, night safari on halloween and planning/having a sausage party last saturday night, there really hasn't been much time to blog.

Had fun though.

Especially the sausage party. Tons of people I don't really know but alcohol always seems to make up for the lack of familiarity in a social situation. As usual, the star of the evening turns out to be Ruski. What can i say? I think i would hardly be popular without my cat. Perhaps i ought to bring him out on dates or something. Now... that sounds really sad but then, he IS cute. Can't say that he had much fun though, being surrounded by half a dozen strangers at a time and being "force-fed" vodka mudslide. I think he was quite, quite happy when everyone left him alone in the sink.

All in all, pleasant evening for me and i hope others.

Well, there goes the last session of storytelling and i believed everyone had fun despite the unnerving experience of telling a story ourselves infront of the class. Thankfully, there were only 7 of us in class and not much more. I think any more would seriously had freaked me out. Drinks and snacks later with friends who were interesting company. So was the car ride sending various parties home later. I believed it has been a rather "energizing" weekend on the whole. Perhaps that was why my brain went into overdrive last night.

Just had one of those horrible nights where your body felt so tired and yet the minute your head hit the pillow, it just went haywired and rattled on non-stop. Felt like i haven't slept in years, all because my brain wouldn't stop thinking.

It was one of the longest night in my life.

Arabian Nights

Met up with a couple of friends at Samar, the new arabic cafe we saw the other day down at Arab street after i picked up my mom and bro from the airport last night. It was an impromptu gathering of sorts since we don't really know what this place is really about but was just intrigued by their facade and the fact that the owner told us that there would be some dance performance when we passed by. The fact is, Samar is a refreshing drinking place that serve authentic arabic food and drinks, as well as shisha. It was comfortable, has good ambience and friendly staff who would take the time to answer our thousand and one questions about the beverages. Samar is one of the old shop house that has two storeys. There were carpets on the floor and lovely tin-wrought lamp shades all around. The second storey is a loft that was filled with carpet, low wooden tables and bright cushions all around. While we talked and drank the lovely drinks (should have remembered how to spell the names), tasted the unique desserts and puff on our water-pipe (shisha), lovely middle eastern music played.

After an hour of drinks, we were sort of puzzled about when the "dance performance" would be but when we asked, it turned out that there was a private party on the loft that night and the "dancing" was upstairs. We were slightly disappointed but nonetheless, quite pleased with the evening even if it was just drinks and company. However, the owner and her brother was terribly kind when they found out that we were expecting some "dancing" to take place and arranged for us to join the "party" upstairs. The only condition was that only GIRLS were allowed, hence the two other guys in the group had to be excluded unfortunately. In any case, it turned out that our evening has just started and there was a hen party full of muslim ladies on the loft. The owner had organized the party and seeked the bride-to-be's permission for us to join the party and they had kindly cleared a table for us and shifted our shisha and drinks upstairs. The ladies were welcoming and kind, and what followed was an evening of exotic dancing, fun and greater insights into a culture quite foreign to me. Despite what we usually see of muslim ladies outside in their tudungs and robes, they were surprising a fun and energetic bunch. Most had their shawls off and they were chit-chatty and sporting. They had dressed up the bride-to-be in a belly dancing costume and coming up with all sort of wild suggestions for her to do, such as entertaining everyone else with belly dancing. Even the most matronly lady was cracking raunchy jokes despite no alcohol was served (it being a muslim establishment), but that did not stop anyone from laughing and having tons of fun. One of the waitress turned out to be a terrific dancer and entertained us with her lovely arabic dancing (not too sure if it was belly dancing since no belly were involved, just very flexible hips). Then the ladies were invited to join in and learn, even we were invited. With shawls (bells attached) tied around the hips, the ladies were gyrating gamely along with the dance teacher as she demonstrated different movements while the rest of us watching clapped and wolf-whistled along.

It was certainly not an experience you can buy and we were very lucky that the ladies were gracious enough to let us join them. I must say that it was a refreshing and exciting experience sitting amidst a muslim hen party, watching exotic middle eastern dancing, drinking tea and smoking shisha pipes. Even without crashing the hen party, the evening would have been wonderful as we tried the different drinks and food but this was the crown of the night and one not easily forgotten. After the party, several of us stayed till 1 drinking another round of drinks and had some arabian bread with hummus. In fact this cafe is opened from 5pm all the way till 6am in the morning, and by the time we left, there were still many people, though mostly looked like arabs. In any case, this is certainly a nice place to chill out, experience something different from the usual watering holes and clubs, as well as drinking/eating at a reasonable price. Drinks are around $5 (a rather big glass) and food were quite unique and inexpensive as well. A good place to destress or even sober up after a night of clubbing since it opened till 6.

So, anyone want to go with me?

Congrates to Vincent and Yvonne on the arrival of their baby girl Elliotte 2 weeks ago.
Very adorable baby who looked so alert from the minute she was born and so much hair!

Spent Deepavali painting my landscape. Not very pleased with it. Established that i have absolutely no talent and perhaps am too old to start applying hard work to make myself even passable. Sombering experience but he said that i'm too harsh on myself and have too high an expectation perhaps as he don't really think that my effort is half bad. I think i need a more objective view so let's see what the teacher says on tuesday.

The cat is well and lies sleeping in various positions.
Just a tired little meow to let me know he's still listening.

Mom and bro coming back tonight. More good food ahead!

Walked around chinatown after dinner with angie after saying goodbye to him. We walked around a nearly deserted Central square and went to the open field opposite maxwell market to look at the wayang and had waffle ice-cream before proceeding to blue cow for drinks at club street. Spent the whole night sms-ing other gals about tonight's drink/dance thing at arab street and chatting with angie about anything under the sun. Very relaxing.

Hmm... not a bad week. Met up with 3 interesting ladies and had a good dinner at arab street. Perhaps i should have more instances where i meet up with new people. You get to talk and find out new things. A different synergy (gasp) from your usual comfort zone i guess. In any case, enjoyed the middle eastern dinner and brought another friend and him there last night. We even tried the shisha (sp?) - waterpipe thing. I wonder vaguely if its tobacco and addictive like ciggies. Oh well. On the way back, chanced upon a drinking place around the corner called Samar which looked interesting. We were sort of gawking outside when the owner invited us in, but being in a rush we declined. The owner said that it has only been opened for 4 days and today they would be having some dance performance. So gathering a few friends to go check it out tonight around 8.30. Anyone interested, call me? :)

Alright alright. I succumbed and am now logged on to Friendster. Gosh. No will power. *Chuckles*

Fixed my computer. Turned out that there was a virus in the computer called the Nachiworm. Luckily brother sent me a Stinger antivirus program which scanned for the latest virus and zap that nasty worm off my laptop. Hurrah for bro!

Some days i looked at the people around me and wonder what are they feeling? At times i feel like an emotional crippled and other days i feel way too much for way too many things. I am an impractical being living a practical life right now. I have little pockets of mental oasis where i did not have to attend to the menial thoughts of my life. Like when i lie in bed with a trashy romance novel. Like when i go for oil painting lessons. Like when i stand by the dresser rubbing ruski's tummy. Mostly alone. With a cat. Perhaps that's how my life should be. Forget about work. Forget about relationships. Forget about responsibilities. Just my cat and me and a couple of books. Living each moment as if its an eternity. Somedays, it is an eternity. Felt like both purgatory and hell, yet strangely calm either way. Never heaven. Hardly blissful. Just silent and calm. Almost like a sense of suspension.

Its hard to articulate this. What i do know is that there are times when i am indifferent and upon looking back, that disturbed me. Being indifferent. Sometimes i just want to get the energy up to feel fury and anger. Or to be depressed. Or outrageously happy. I fear being indifferent. I only hope those periods doesn't last long. I don't want to feel drained. I also don't want to feel as if i am missing something in life. These things crisscrosses my mind here and there. Somedays, i just retreat into it and feel buried. Other days i would be indifferent to such thoughts and breeze right through them. Mostly, i am living my practical life, impractically.

Something oughta give. Someday.

Bought new diet food for ruski to help control his weight. Don't think he likes it very much as he hardly touches it much but kept meowing at the cabinet, hoping to get something else. Not that he has much choice, since its either the diet food or starve. Perhaps that's how the diet food works. By making it taste really awful so that the cat doesn't want to eat it and hence loses weight. If only they can do that for all the kind of food i like to eat... like char kuey tiao, cai tao kuey, laksa, dumpling, chicken rice.. etc etc etc. Oh well. Guess i'll just have to control my own appetite then. :)

Watched Dirty Pretty Things on thursday then 28 days later on friday. Both terrific shows. The former had a good storyline and excellent acting. The latter had me squirming in my seat in terror and had us (me, him and my friend) all holding hands and screaming. The movie was quite dark and felt very real, so it did not have the "corny-ness" of a B-grade zombie movie. Almost apocalyptic in a way. Too bad we left before the credits finished and missed the alternative ending. I wish i know what happened. So if anyone can enlighten me, please let me know what happened.

Followed one of the school programs kids to sentosa on thursday where we went to underwater world and dolphin lagoon. The kids are quite well behaved in general but well.. let's just say that i was pretty miffed by some of the teachers. Don't really want to get into it now so... nevermind.

Had to work with one of the particularly difficult child today as the teacher was sick. He was quite a handful for the substitute teacher and me. And here i was all dressed up to go to an evening piano concert no less. Needless to say, something had to give, and it ain't the child. So there goes my rarely worn baby-jane shoes. Sigh. I think i ought to put some slippers at the work place and if i need to go out, a change of clothing in the car. So far i have been quite lucky but on days when you have to wrestle with the children, you would wish you don't have to do it in skirts and baby-janes. Ah well, at least all of us survived another day at work. *grins*

No no no noo.... this blog is NOT about work!
Why would anyone think that i don't even know... *grins*

Emode's Original Inkblot Test

alice, your subconscious mind is driven most by Love

Your instinct to love and be loved is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life � whether you are aware of it or not.

You inspire people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people.

Your unique capacity to love may be greater than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Looks like my heart is recovering quite well... So well that to a certain extent it gets a little worrying for some...


Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Corrupting people in the office and doing silly internet tests on emode.
Everyone had a good laugh on a dreary wednesday afternoon.

I got my new pendant a while back and it felt funny for a while but now it feels comfortable. Its a little bigger than the other but well, its nice to have something round my neck again. Well, as long as it is not a noose. :)

I am currently working on speaking to a crowd without tripping over my words.
Found that i tripped more when i am stressed.
Hopefully this storytelling thing will help.

Had a heart-to-heart talk over lunch (jap again, it almost always happens to be jap) and i think both of us came out pretty well. A little sad but not angry. Perhaps understanding a little bit more of each other and yet, knowing full well that perhaps there would always something we would not understand. Its a bitter-sweet sort of feeling and it has nothing to do with love or committment. But it felt good to talk and express something that has begun to show outwardly in our actions and demeanour. Better to give it some form now than wait for it to take shape on its own later and devour us without preparation.

Still, we are moving on slowly. Just that sometimes no finishing line is in sight and where the road leads remained unclear.

Seems like everyone around me is in one relationship or the other.
Sometimes even multiple relationships.
Yet, i'm attempting to find enough time for myself with just one single guy.

Maybe i am just getting old and tired.
Or something.

Quizzes are amusing to be sure, but i like to cheat on mine...

Another quiz!
Ho Ho Ho

SimilarMinds.com Compatibility Test

How Compatible are You with me?

It dances.
Flirting across words and punctuations.
Typing reports.

Time of the year again at work.
Case conferences looming and fingers are rapidly compiling children's reports. I have come to a point where i can almost do them with my eyes closed (well, almost). Perhaps this is what they called "experience".

Colleague of mine is getting married next June and leaving in March. That means added responsibilities for me and the other girl till we have someone new. It sounds daunting initially but i think we will managed. It is a good team we have here. Happy for her who is getting married. Been sort of expecting it for a while now.

Somedays, work does reach a certain sense of monotony as you get more familiar with the work. Students come and go and sometimes, i get so caught up that one child's face merges with another. I think i need a little break. Just to get in synch again. Job satisfaction is still there yet, something is nudging me to try new things. It is kind of a small nudge at the moment but its there. I am not paying too much attention to it though. If it gets big enough, then i will deal with it.

Nowadays i just try to learn other things (outside work) to fulfil a need to be more than myself and work. Oil painting, story telling, dancing, yoga... I am still exploring other things that can bring me joy and relaxation. I realized that at the mature age of 27, i am still exploring myself, finding out about me and trying to figure out what makes me tick. Sometimes it is interesting, what i find out. Other times i am left shell shock and disappointed. I am still undecided how to feel about myself though and continues to search for some sort of consistency in oneself.

Well... pardon my self-indulgence.
I have always been sort of egocentric haven't i? :)

Some days i think i am not very good with relationships.
Any relationships really.
Boy-girl.
Man-woman.
Friends.
Family.
Siblings.

Perhaps i cannot emphathize enough. Or perhaps i emphathize too much.
Or the fact that i don't listen very well.
That i don't talk very well either.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell exactly where i stand in relationships.
What am i suppose to do at this exact moment.
What exactly does the other party want from me?
Should i do this? Should i say that?
Do you know what i meant to say? What i meant to do?
Do i confuse you?
Its strange... being in relationships with another conscious being.
So many factors come into play.
Personalities.
Egos.
Beliefs.
Age.
Gender.
Common grounds. Or perhaps uncommon ones too.

The intricacy of relationships both confounds and intrigues me.
I would like to be a good person to be in a relationship with.
Does that make sense?
Do i make you happy?
Any of you that come, came, are coming into my life..

HmMm...

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Oh. Incidentally, i have been to a nice wedding dinner, watch sinbad with friends and attended 3 oil painting lessons in the past month. Nothing much to talk about except that it took us 3 lessons before we even begin painting on the 4th. Am a little miffed about that. Teacher is very "china-centric" and quite biased. Sometimes i have to freeze my face just so i don't make funny faces at comments he makes (e.g. everything in china good, western world bad). But i must say that he has good oil painting skills, which is why i am there in the first place.

It is like suddenly my life came back to me when Ruski came back to me.
Strange things... pets i mean.
Makes me realize how much emotion can be involve when taking care of a pet.
Well, the cat better don't put me through that episode again or else i will strangle him alive! *chuckles*

Now that the cat is back, time to put some effort in salvaging a lost birthday... :)

Ruski's Damage Assessment:

1) Mild fever

2) All his nails were terribly chipped and splintered, and one of his "thumb" nail was totally torn out that even the pad was gone. So all that's left is this nub and pink flesh. *ouch*

3) Emotional trauma. Still in a state of shock, he doesn't eat much and was in terrible need for attention and tender loving care. So much so that when i let him sleep with me for the night, he did not leave the bed at all and was constantly waking me up with tiny meows and nudging me to cuddle him by barrowing under my arm.

Think he must have been totally stressed out in the last couple of days. Sigh.

Thanks to everyone that helped these last few days...

you.. for walking with me all over the estate even on your birthday to look for him, doing up the lost cat poster and constantly reassuring me that he will be okie.

angela.. for putting up all the notices around internet websites, emailing catwelfare society, SPCA and AVA and offering to help me search for him during the weekend.

all my friends.. for caring and constantly comforting me while he was gone.

and finally my neighbours Mrs and Miss Bergman, for finding him.

Thank you people! *beams*

CAT FOUND

After a harrowing 3 days, Ruski was finally found early this morning! Woken up this morning at 7 by a phone call from my neighbour living in the lane behind my house saying that she saw a cat fitting Ruski description outside her house. I immediately dashed out (without even brushing my teeth) and found this Caucasian lady and her daughter keeping watch at my cat who was crouching at the ledge across the drain. Initially i couldn't really see him from afar because it was rather dark and was going to rain. He looked really scared and didn't want to move when i called out to him. When i attempted to reach across the drain for him, he got a fright and run into the bushes along the drain. In the end i had to step into the drain to be closer to him and my neighbours tried to block off the corners. He must have felt threatened when the lady tried talking to him and he started hissing at us. It was only when i stretched out my hand slowly to him into the bushes, he stopped hissing for a while and licked my hand. However, he wouldn't budge and when i attempted to grab him from his neck to pull him out, he struggled and yelped. It took a while to untangle him from under the bushes and get him out but by then he was so traumatized, he was making a hell of a noise and i tripped in the drain, and he immediately ran into my neighbour's house.

Luckily he did not go very far and just crouched near the gate. To avoid scaring him again, i had to approach him very slowly. I talked to him for a bit to calm him down because though he did not hiss or make noise, he continued to crouch and looked ready to bolt. It's only after 1 or 2 minutes that he flopped over the way he usually would at home when i talked to him and become more relaxed that i was able to pick him up and carried him home. He was shivering as i carried him and was meowing a lot as we walked pass the main road as he was scared of the noises and rain (started to drizzle by then). He only stopped once i stepped into my house and he must have recognized the staircase to my room as he began purring once i walked up towards it.

It must have been tough on the little rascal while he was outside as he started meowing for food the minute he went into the room and walked around the toilet cupboard where the food is. And the way he eats! He was so hungry and impatient that half the bowl of food landed on the floor than into his mouth. Its only after a while that he calmed down and groom himself at a corner as i got dressed to go to work. While he did not answer me when outside, he did so now when i called his name. But i could see that he is still in shock as he usually like to cuddle and will respond fairly quickly when i asked him to come. Now he was just contented to lay in the corner. However, he enjoyed me patting him and was purring and purring. Finally when i stepped out of my room to go to work, he started yelping again, which i think its because he is probably still insecure or scared. It took a while to calm down again and was eating from his bowl when i sneaked out to go work.

I think he must have been hiding in my neighbour's house for the last few nights as my neighbour kept 4 cats and had left some food around for her cats. Her daughter was very nice and when knew that i lost my cat, has been trying to look out for Ruski in her backyard just in case he came by. Luckily for me that these neighbours are such cat lovers and helped me looked out for him or else i don't think i would ever get Ruski back again. This time round i am going to lock Ruski in for sure and get him a tag for his collar. I don't think i can take it if it happens again. Couldn't sleep well for the past few days because i was so worried. Now i can at last breathe a sigh of relief.

The cat has been gone for 3 days now and life has not been quite the same. I don't know how many times when i walked up the stairs to my room, expecting to hear him meow from behind door greeting me, only to find the door ajar and room quiet. I have forgotten how lonely cat-less nights are.

No funny "midnight madness" where he would just dash from one corner to another like the devil's on his tail suddenly. No furry bundle of claws and teeth nesting up my neck. No beseeching looks outside the toilet cupboard. No heavy, hot weight lying on my lap as i sit at the computer. No one to play esso tiger with. No shredded fur dusting my bed covers, dresser, toilet sink. No hide and seek in my worerobe. No chasing him round the room when he misbehaves. No waking up to "alarm" calls from the toilet. No contented little sighs as he curled up on the pillow next to me. No pouncing on insects such as bugs and tiny cockroaches. No hiding under the duvet whenever i tuck myself in. No stretching on the floor. No scratching on my drawer. No biting. No nibbles.

No longer having to think about putting the toilet seat cover down. (He dropped in once you see...). No longer having to keep the shower stall doors closed (it may get his paws wet and wet paws plus litter box equal messy floors). No longer having to keep the tap dripping when i'm brushing my teeth (since he hate drinking from the bowl, probably because water becomes stale). No longer having to tie up my curtains (or else he would play with it and leave behind holes). No longer having to put my clips, rubber bands and rings into their boxes (since he tends to play and bite them, inevitably they will end up under my bed).

So many things i don't have to do now. Yet i still do. Habits i have cultivated since the cat came into my life. Rules i made other people follow when they stepped into my room. At times, it is unnerving to be in my room alone and suddenly thought i heard his bell ringing, like the way it would as he jumped from the sink to the ground. I would look out the window, peering into the darkness hoping to see some cat wandering outside on the road.

I have been cycling around my estate the last 2 days after midnight, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Perhaps he is under some drain or car and would come out at night to look for food. I met many cats but none with a green collar and a silver bell. None with a sagging tummy and fluffy fur on the belly. None obese and fat that will need a diet.

Giving out flyers to my neighbours. Defacing public properties by putting up illegal lost posters at bus stops. Hounding AVA and SPCA. Putting up notice on internet websites. Being suspicious of my neighbours. Hypersensitive to every cat cries in the neighbourhood.

I don't deal very well with loss i think.

Entertaining myself looking at Ruski's old photos...
ARGH!!!! Where are you? You stupid cat!

Attending a StoryTelling course at Siglap CC with a friend. Very interesting and would have been more enjoyable if i was not worrying too much about my cat.

October 5th.

Happy 27th birthday to you.

I'm sorry that your birthday was spent helping me to look for Ruski.
I was supposed to cook you dinner but you bought me chicken rice instead when you found out Ruski got lost and i would be too dejected to eat.
You walked with me shouting his name and told me not to worry and that someone must have taken care of him because you know i would be worried if he was caught in the rain and hungry.

Thank you.
Sorry for making a muck of your birthday.

October 4th.

Ruski took a leap of faith and landed in my neighbour's house and run out while they tried to catch him. And he has been missing ever since. No effort was spare trying to locate him but still, no clue to where he may be. I am worried sick and please, if anyone see a brown stripped tabby cat around East coast road area, leave a note or email or call me.

Lost... Please Find Me

Cat-less Days

Cat-less days are spent...

not waiting for a ritual greeting at the door when i returned home
not looking forward for a furry bundle to lay on my chest when i lie down
not listening to his "complains" when i clip his nails or give him a bath
not scolding him fat when he looks at the toilet cupboard waiting for more food
not playing fetch with his favourite esso tiger
not threatening him with a loud "hmm" whenever he sharpened his claws on my couch
not patting his head and avoiding his tummy as he lay on my dressing table
not shutting him in the toilet for the night and letting him out in the morning
not surprising him as he slept in the toilet sink during the hot sunday afternoons
not doing anything much but waiting for him to come home...

but spent...

walking around looking at every drains and alley calling out his name
scouring around the estate knocking on every neighbours' door
visiting and revisiting every alleys and drains just to make sure
cycling hours at night peering under cars and trunks and garbage cans
printing "lost" posters and delivering them to different mailboxes
just looking through the internet and checking for phone messages
just wondering who could be taking care of him now
just waiting at the door
just waiting for him to come home.

And you better come home soon, you stupid cat.
I miss you.

Is there some kinda silly virus that makes your computer dial up to internet every few minutes once you start up the computer? My computer started doing that recently and it is vexing trying to figure out if it is a virus or something wrong with my settings.

Not released! I meant REALISED!

Oh man. I should really type slower and think faster.
Incidentally, the game i am playing on yahoo called typer shark (silly typing game) indicates that my typing speed is 74wpm.

Ya right.
If only i can think at that speed too.

Passed by Lasalle on the bus yesterday and released i got my spelling wrong again. It is LasAlle not La-selle. Anyway too lazy to freaking change the mistakes in the previous post.

I am signing up for another round of oil painting classes. Only this time it is at NAFA instead of La-selle. Was planning to sign up for the intermediate oil painting class this semester (gosh, i talk like a teacher/student) at La-selle but the class was cancelled due to not having enough participants. I was quite disappointed actually. Anyway, his friend (another teacher who was attending the metal casting classes with him last semester) wanted to try oil painting as well and told us about the course at NAFA and gave me the email for the adminstrator there. At first, the guy sent me info about the basic oil painting course which i have already completed at La-selle. So when i asked him for something more indepth, he recommended this other class that they have called "Techniques in oil painting landscapes". The only thing is, the class will be conducted in Mandarin. The course outline itself is quite interesting as they will be going through how to do landscape painting outside (not sure will be going out or not) and talk about specific techniques. Exactly what i am looking for because i want to refine and practise my basic skills in oil painting, except i wasn't very prepared about doing it in Mandarin. Actually, it doesn't really matter since my grasp of Mandarin isn't that bad. Well, actually, i shouldn't have problem with it at all. But i guess i have never attended a class conducted in Mandarin before (well, except second-language classes in school) and the notion actually is quite intriging. Hopefully i won't make a fool of myself especially i suspect most participants would be quite "powerful" in Mandarin. *chuckles*

Realization no. 54:

I hate having to go back to my posts and edit them for grammatical or spelling mistakes.

Maybe i should talk about something i know nuts about.

Last saturday, i accompanied him to a workshop/forum/talk (i really can't decide which it is) at PKW where he was one of the panelists speaking in the morning. The topic for the day (there were 3 sessions in all) was Art and Technology (or something like that). Some interesting points were brought up, for example, how there is a evolution of technology within art history itself from the most primitive (e.g. stoneage man curving on his roof with a rock) to the cyberart of today (e.g. computer animations), going in tandem with mankind's evolution. I guess i have never thought of painting as a form of "technology" and the typical layman view would be (at least for me): painting evokes a sense of tradition or historical or even old, while technology usually mean new, digital, electronic etc. Simplistic view of course and i'm glad that this forum has made me think alittle harder on this subject.

[I think i can articulate better talking or discussing such issues with people than typing it out. Somehow, words is not flowing as much. Perhaps because this is not really something i know much about. Ok, to get back to the real topic i am writing about today...]

Something that struck me that day was that it is always inevitable when you put a group of artists in the same room talking about whatever issues there are about art, one thing will always come up, or perhaps one question: that is, what is art? Seems like this is the perpetual question waiting to be solved and perhaps if an answer could be found, the world would be saved. More the 3/4 of the time were spent debating this issue. What is art? What is creativity? Everyone has their view. Some felt strongly about it or are more articulate (perhaps voice was also louder) while others (like myself) were contented to just listen and observe. A few times, i was on a verge of commenting (its an open floor discussion) on some points or the other but the artists just moved way too fast for me. I wonder if it was only me. I felt that the thoughts of those people around me seems to flow very fluidly from one question to another. And before i even knew what was the point being made or make my comments, some other points were brought up or issue raised while my brain was still processing what had just been said. It is actually quite stimulating, keeping the brain on its toes but after a while, you either get frustrated at the pace or what was said or just have a splitting headache.

Anyway, i can't remember much about what I wanted to say except it was something about communication. I think someone mentioned that the art itself is communicative but i didn't really agree because in my line of work, communication always means two-way (i.e. a "linkage" between 1 & 1, you cant communicate with a rock though you can talk to it. Though of course, communication do not mean just speech or verbalizations). Yes, the artist can communicate to the audience with his art and the audience can respond back. But the art piece itself is still basically an object. Without the artist, the audience can only speculate what was being "communicated", and that to me isn't communication since who would the audience communicate to in reciprocal?. Perhaps i am not understanding the point the speaker is making but these thoughts did cross my mind in that juncture, only to be lost quite rapidly as someone else suddenly talked about language and teaching. Well, at least i get to articulate it out on my blog here.

The time to digest or process such issues is usually done after the forum, with him or some of his other friends. To voice out to another person, wait for feedback, digest the information and respond. Perhaps an open floor "discussion" doesn't quite work for me. I find it difficult to "discuss" anything effectively in a big setting. Group of 4-5, yes. Group of 10-20? Not really. To me, anything greater than that didn't mean discussion, it just meant that someone get to voice out their views (if they have a chance) and for others to listen.

Well, it was an interesting forum nonetheless.